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01:16pm 01/03/2005
  ATTENTION VERY IMPORTANT : I am announcing the closing of this live journal. No, its not one of those things where i feel bad cuz no one comments. I simply do not update from lack of time. I have school, friends, artwork and other things that occupy my time. Because im trying to get published i no lonnger post my poetry for free. Im not the type of person who particularly enjoys sharing every aspect of my life, indeed it is not possible to do so. For those of you who have become attached to me for some strange reason you may email or im me. I tried to keep my busy schedule from interfering with the frequency of my updates but, as is evedient, the entries have become fewer and fewer scattered over months instead of days. Although i am sure no one will be disappointed by my leaving, indeed i feel we all felt it coming, i apologize all the same. It was nice meeting you all and enjoying the parts of your lives you wished to share.

     Read 6 - Post
01:28pm 25/02/2005

I got a c last year im at least a b+ this year. thank god. but its one of those classes that i'll never use. *shrug* anyways so i feel like baking a cake this weekend...iy just came to me. i want a plain cake with chocolate icecream....yep.
01:19pm 07/02/2005
  its been a while but i've not forgotten you people. I've been doing a lot of writing. IM very serious about getting a book published. and you'd all better buy it. mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Im finished with tennis in gym an now im doing fencing! its so much fun i took it just so i could stab people....but it doesn't hurt... Actually getting attacked with the foil (sword) made me feel like a masochist. Im extremely ticklish and the foil doesn't hurt it just tickled. so im laughing like hell while this guy is stabbing me. our teacher's name is bucky i can't say it with a straight face...bucky lol.

um what else...Nothing actually just liveing life. i have so many cds i wanna buy..marron 5 kanye west 50 cent ludacris... have to rebuy india aries first cd.

yeah so i miss you all lol. i'll update tomorrow during my lunch period as i am doing now

     Read 4 - Post
09:37am 28/12/2004

1. Copy and post in your Diary.
2. BOLD anything that is true.
3. Leave plain anything that is not true.
4. Add something.

note: all questions ask for willingness only

001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own a home.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love/like to play video games.
008. I've done something illegal.
009. I've watched porn movies.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I like my handwriting.
013. I have acne-free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton. (he wants to make a difference....)
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been to another country.
019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. I'm really, really smart. (streetwise)
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. (not ashamed...its just no one's business)
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times. (all the time)
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
034. I shave my legs. (Correction, I currently started using Nair.)
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be legalized.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.(Its something that I can do, but have never done before on another person)
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I've been sexually intimate with less than ten people.(Does zero count)
049. I am currently single. (we wonder why)
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my journal!
058. I don't hate anyone. ( i just dislike the things they do)
059. I'm a pretty good dancer. (only if its hip hop)
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone Instead of a landline...
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone. (EMINEM hehehe)
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future. (Adoption)
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly. (is milk deadly?)
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message. (More or less I tend to leave the computer running.)
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have been rejected by someone.
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "South Park" movie.
086. I have avoided work to play on OD.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum. (my uncle's a fucking perv and he's in jail now)

088. I enjoy country music.
089. I love my best friend.
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story". ( i used to)
096. Halloween is awesome!
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on somebody you have never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.

104.I love math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest movies/books ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "The O.C."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.
116. I am a nerd.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it. (im ambidexterous)
119. I try not to change who I am for someone.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have had major surgery.
124. I have adopted a pet from the SPCA.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Some people call me by a nickname.
127. I once stole/"borrowed" a music stand.
128. I like pumpkin pie.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have mono.
132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.

134. I'm still in my PJs.
135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.
136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong people, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate.
137. I'll try anything three times.
138. Done drugs other than alcohol or cannabis.
139. I'm having trouble sleeping.

140. I am a cuddler.
141. I love John Waters films.
142. I have made a pornographic videotape.
143. Sloth is my favorite deadly sin.
144. One of my boobs is bigger than the other. (one of everything is larger than the other on the human anatomy, don't freak)
145. I know all the words to the "Firefly" theme song.
146. I love Dr. Pepper
147. I'm a programmer.
148. I can't explain why I'm unhappy at times.
149. I own and have read all of the Harry Potter books.
150. I like to smell my own hair.
151. I carry a book with me almost everywhere I go.
152. I have an eating disorder.
153. I have flown to a different country to see a band.
154. Been hospitalized for "mental issues".

155. I have survived totaling a car I was driving.
156. I am addicted to a Manga/anime. (the art style yes)
157. Somehow I always seem to get myself into trouble
158. I think James Marsters is hot.
159. I have a pet named after a professor I am platonically in love with.
160. I have lied on this survey.
161. I think farting in public is funny.
162. I worked with computers before the PC existed.
163. I've worked with punchcards.
164. I know why floppies were called floppy.
165. I know what Kinders are.
166. I collect Kinder prizes

167. I play Xenosaga way too much.

the stuff in parenthesis are not part of the original list...so delete if you copy/paste.

     Read 1 - Post
09:09am 28/12/2004
  geez you'd think that cuz i was on vacation i'd update MORE often. Guess not, im such an ass. How were your holidays? is anyone making new years resolutions? im not but some ppl actually do.

I made x-mas dinner. I am not big on holidays..but i gotta learn to cook eventually right? i don't think they let you adopt kids if you can't feed them.... It was successful and yummy. wonderful combination. So i want to go see fat albert, why? because i love bill cosby! and i think it'd be a nice thing to do with my grandfather. We don't bond...we should since we're the only ppl in this apartment.

funnies shamelessy stolen from mad

you know you're stupid when.....

you go to bed and try to fluff up your head

you spend days worrying about an open sore that won't heal only to discover days later its a natural bodily opening

people repeat stuff because they think you didn't understand the first time

you try to buy season tickets to the super bowl

people repeat stuff because they think you didn't understand the first time
02:58pm 11/12/2004
mood: bitchy
*blows off dust and cobwebs* *cough, cough, hack* ...Ahem....

And once again i am stunned to witness the fact that this online journal is still standing. I went to go see the incredibles and im going to see it again i loved it so much. What have i been doing, you ask? oh you didn't ask? well i will share anyways. I've been writing. Writing so much that i almost stopped drawing. And my new fascination is drow elves. The underdark is fascinating. So i've been writing and researching. Yep. And soon winter vacation shall arrive and with it a relief from school. though i have mastered the art of escapiism by resorting to realms of fantasy in my writing, i still could use a physical break to get back in touch with myselves and all of you whom i've deserted since i don't know when. And i've been listeing to the knews...im upset that our troops are in dire need of provisions. Haow dare rumsfeild say we should go into war with the army we have not the army we want. If we can't protect our trrops whay bother? we'll only end up with a lost battle and thousands of corpses. Not my idea of a powerful country. whatever.

anyways, that will be my update for today...simply to let you all know im still alive and bitter as ever.

If you were a Pirate! by TheHalveric
Yer Pirate Name!
Name yer ship!
Why be ye a Pirate?
Yer First Mate!xxhngxx
Yer Cabin-boy! (or girl)inuvampy
Ye're chief rival be the Dread Piratenovember_scars
Ye'll be pursued by Admiralauntie_mo
Cut to ribbon in a freak cannon accident...brownskinbeauti
Yer pirate captive to use fer yer wicked pleasuresnyzlankansweety
Number o'ships ye'll sink and women ye'll plunder!770
Chance ye'll be hanged... or worse.: 61%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

10:42am 26/11/2004
mood: bored
Happy belated turkey day, i haven't updated in a while. Yesterday i went to see the incredibles and hung out with my cousin. It was a great morning just talking and walking around. then we had dinner with some of my family. I was nervous about seeing my aunt, she has Alzheimer's and she didn't remember me. that hurt me alot since we used to be close. She just sat and stared and occasionally smiled for no reason. I found myself wondering what she was thinking. She was like and infant..she needed help eating and everything. I thought i'd be really heart broken that she had no recollection of me whatsoever but in fact i was at ease, this woman was not my aunt....my aunt was somewhere else, somewhere nice, and this woman just looked like her. I comforted my self with this thought, and enjoyed my dinner.

This was the first happy holiday i'd had because i refused to go to the cemetary before dinner like we usually do. I hadn't even realized that that ritual bothered me. But i had a break down on thanksgiving eve and realized change must come if i was to stay sane. so i didn't go. Just like ray i think everyone should see the incredibles. yepsi...later.
Are Mulan!</font></a></b>

Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are a tomboy with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Darkness Sprite
Cruel, beautiful, ominous and evil
You are a sprite of Darkness: Most shiver at the
sound of your name, you are ominous and
something to be feared. Humans are playthings
to you, toys for your own horrid uses.
Heartless and cruel you love the pain and
hardships of others, sometimes you are the
cause. You are very beautiful on the outside
which will entrance any mortal into believing
what you lead them to, but sooner or later they
will understand the deadly ways of your true
nature. Despite your dark side you are very
talented, you have many gifts that you leave
locked up in favor of whatever else your doing
at the moment. The feeling of love is alien and
unwanted, it frightens you. Perhaps the only
thing that does, you are quite brave and things
rarely surprise or startle you.

.::=What type of mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

12:26pm 15/11/2004
  I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

i love this song sooo much...specifically the chorus.
     Read 2 - Post
12:21pm 11/11/2004
mood: bitchy

Do you ever get the feeling that when you turn your back to the mirror your reflection is laughing at you?

     Read 2 - Post
08:33am 31/10/2004
mood: bored
i was just about to log off when it occured to me i should take this time to update. I have hw i should be doing and just a few minutes ago i was quite set on getting that done. MY current goal right now is to see "ray" i want to that movie so bad it hurts.

In other news i've recently discovered WONKA BARS! they're milk chocolate and tiny spheres of grahm crakers. (shameless advertising) they're sooo good. I really don't like candy that much but since i started doing tennis class i always want something sweet afterward. The candy shop where i buy them is always showing the chocolate fatcory and playing music related to candy or sweetness. lol its owned by ralph laurens daughter i think. There's gummy candy in the staris and jelly beans in the tables. Its soo cute.

Alright so i think im finished.
     Read 1 - Post
12:40pm 28/10/2004
mood: numb
hey im in school now. I've printed out all of the poems i've written. I intend to get them copyrighted and then perhaps publish a book. Getting one of my poems published has motivated me and im very determined to get this book out there. i apologize to those of you who read your friendspages and realize that i often have not updated. This year i am trying to raise my grades and so im taking more time on my homeowrk and school projects. Therefore the weekends are my only vacations. I spend them writing shopping cleaning or hanging out with my friends. So i rarely am home in order to be on the internet. But i will attempt to update and read your journals and comment as proof that i care.
Sadly my life is able to be summed up in this short paragraph. well if you missed me at all im am apologizing to you and explaining exactly why im not here. I didn't think i'd feel bad about not updtaing an online journal but apparently i do. But hey if you were devestated you could email me...and since you didn't i assume you weren't all that sad...so this post is quite unnecesary. lol.

Love yall
     Read 3 - Post
12:20pm 16/10/2004
mood: complacent
well im rather numb today. I miss alot of people. I totally snapped at someone the other day. I am so sick of people calling me bitter. If they only knew what was wrong... so i wroe this...i've been VERY prolific lately and im quite proud of me-self...

If only they could hear me yell
my constant silent scream
all their jeering would cease
as if a wall had been erected

If only they could feel my feelings
see life through my eyes
they'd leave, go away forever and never come back
as if they bought a one-way ticket to nowhere

If only they could think my thoughts
expierience my helpless self-torture
then they'd never have a bad thing to say to me again

If only they could see my dreams
my goals, my aspirations
if they could see how desperatly i want to be happy
they'd never laugh again

If only they could see me cry
feel my warm tears on THEIR cheeks
the'd veiw me differenlt
they'd realize my pain and my anger
the'd see what the inside looks like
from the outside
..if only they knew.

We took the Plan test today...like i need ppl to tell me what profession i should have. it sucked but i got pizza afterwards...YUMMY....why the hell is there no heat im my apartment? gota hand it to the projects to live up to theyre stereotypes.
     Read 1 - Post
06:43pm 10/10/2004
  ahem....been away for a while. what do i have to say? Not much actually. Ispend a lot of time trying to figure out how i want to spend my life. For some reason thoughts of the future anre irritating me like miniature piranas fighting in my stomach. For about the last two days i've been almost comeletely numb.The only feeling i've had is anger or hunger.
I'm so sick of the kids in my school. I am sick of being labeled and told that im trying to be bitter or "dark" everyone who thinks that can kiss my motherfucking ass and go spend their afterlife in hell or eternal silence. I am not who or what you think i am and if that upsets you then too fucking bad. I am soooo sorry that im not liveing up to your expectations of a young african american female from the projects. you all need to get your fucking heads out of your asses and realize your school is not that great., you're not perfect and i am not going to jump and be happy when you want me too. I hate you all.
     Read 2 - Post
03:48pm 02/10/2004
  so i've been missing. did anyone even notice? whatever. so i remember midori had this thing "you know you're in new york when..." or something like that. and i was thinking about this one morning. I take the train to skool and one of new york's unique qualities that i've never really seen in other states

you know you're in new york when 2 people get off of a crowded train yet 16 people think they can fit on.

don't you hate that? and here's something else.

7 things i love:

whipped cream
sharp pencils/ball point pens
pigment liners
blank paper
escalade ext

7 things i hate
fake people
large crowds
brain farts (....when your mind goes blank....)
spiders (they just scare me)
this sick twisted society

why did you need to know? i just wanted to tell you...."Now get on the bed and don't touch my panda!!"
thank you
     Read 4 - Post
01:57pm 24/09/2004
  im so pissed. it was michealmas at the skool i attend ad we had to clean orchid beach and make sand sculptures and i messed up my harachi's cuz of this shit but whatever. I had a terrible headach but i downed some tylenol and im alright now. im only postiong cuz i haven't anything to do right now and i hate not updating. im also pissed cuz i was waiting to hear eminem's new single and when it finnally played alli caught was the very last part. yep...im done.  
03:35pm 19/09/2004
mood: calm
so i spent my computer time at avalon an rpg site. its so nice but difficult to play. for anyone whose interested:
you begin as a novice and are sent on about 5-7 quests by teachers. the point is so that you can get a lay of the land
when you graduate you go to the city school where you have to take at least two classes and pas without any help.
then you choose a profession and the rest of your life revovles around the profession you choose. its interesting and a lot of work.
yeah so....
im done.
     Read 3 - Post
01:19pm 17/09/2004
mood: artistic
um so i had a wonderful bowl of tomato soup courtesy of progresso and my stove of course.

what am i doing this weekend? not sure about tomorrow....a movie for sure. and on sunday there's the african american parade in harlem
yeah and what else....to day bought my shoes for tennis, courtesy of k swiss. yesem. and .. that may be all. yep.
     Read 2 - Post
for those who think im suicidal   
02:57pm 15/09/2004
mood: gloomy

don't cry for me
i don't want your tears
don't cry for me
you can't ease me fears
don't cry for me
i don't want your sympathy
i don't want your pity
your campassion your empathy
don't weep for me
i don't need your 'too bad" s
i don't need your "im sorry"s
you "don't be so sad"s
i don't want to hear "i know
what you're going through
i've been there before, i was just like you"
don't cry for me
i don't want your hugs
you self rigtious christian
i don't want your 'love'
don't send me a note
a well-wishing letter
helping me
would only make you feel better
i don't want you don't want you entering my mind
you intrusion
so leave me alone
this is how i vent
my pen and my paper
are ire well spent
be happy im open
on paper because
when i kept it in side
i was like a ticking time bomb
am i okay now?
well im getting there
but don't judge by the outside
and say i make you scared
so dry those sympathetic tears
don't feel bad for what you see
if you look beyond the outer shell
you'd never cry for me

*ire means anger
no richard im not gonna kill myself
02:36pm 11/09/2004
  I&apos;m Sakaki!
You are Sakaki!

Which Azumanga Daioh Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

yeah so my comp was down and i had to use operating systems to fix it. its this cd that erases wverything instead of isolating the problem. im not pissed its just i had some good games installed and saved. my sims and empire of ages 2 which i s awesome. someone offered to publish one of my peoms which was flattering and cool.....yeah im done.
04:00pm 02/09/2004
mood: drained
my happiness is not yet found
my goal has not been reached
the idea of settling down a bit
has not even been breached
when i try to be content
or calm i try to stay
it seems the coldnees comes again
pushing happiness away
why don't i give up now, i ask
my self in times of doubt
why bring my all up to the plate
when im bound to strike out?
if the wind is blowing form the east unto the west
why would i go against it
why do i not just rest
my motive isn't always clear
and neither is my goal
and so i have so much to fear
on what the future holds
i like to think that im immortal
ther's no need to be scared
but my inner child is crying
wishing someone was there
every one thinks im angry
but im sad they just don't get it
i don't understand it either'
so i just write until i hit it
until the next depression wave arives
and i curl upuntil its over
not all that happy im alove
sometimes i'd rather be dead
then take another earth bound step
beacuse i could walk for miles
but people say "you're not there yet"
and im so tired of waiting
to be ahppy once again
i'll listen to loud music
and pour my heart out with this pen
is any one going to read this some weeks after i die
and get scared or sad they discover
all the sick shit in my mind
will they regret ignoring all the signs
and not sitting down to talk?
will they regret not saying hi
that day they saw me on my walk
or will they rejoice when i am gone
and can't suffer any more
am i some stupid burden
duped on some dude when i was 4?
how can i possobly be ahppy
with all this stuff ahunting my mind
but you call me a baby
when i do or do not cry
or maybe no one will read this journal
and keep it closed out of respect
so no one will hear my story
surley everyone will forget
"the quiet kid who kept to herself
and was always dressed in black
who was alwasy so depressed
you mean she's never coming back?"
no one will notice when im done
no one i know will even care
shit i'd kill my self if i know in heaven
my happiness would be there